A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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