just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
