I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
