i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
