There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
