Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
