Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
