my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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