so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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