he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
