i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
