My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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