you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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