my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
