You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
