dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You were trust falling into bushes
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
