I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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