so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
