Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Randomize
