I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
