The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
