I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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