I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
