you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
