He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
