I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
