You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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