if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
