Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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