I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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