oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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