apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
They are going to name an STD after you.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
