Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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