I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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