is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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