i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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