And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
