You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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