he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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