Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
