Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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