Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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