I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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