Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
There r osticjed everywhere
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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