I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
