We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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