Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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