Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
