if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
So squirting runs in the family.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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