I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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