Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
