This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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