the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
