I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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