I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
