I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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