would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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