I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Girls should come with a carfax report
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
