Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
