I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
ok first of all what the fuck
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize