Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
