Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
