Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
