I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Bring me that man meat
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize